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The Ongoing Adventures of Tango Man

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Installment Seven of the Ongoing Adventures of Tango Man
(Da Da Da DAAAAA – He’s everywhere, he’s everywhere)
by Ace Dance Crime reporter Rudy Dancealot!

It was a typical second Wednesday of the Month outside the elegant Rhapsody ballroom out on
the outskirts of Temple Terrace, Florida. The weather was absolutely gorgeous, very similar
to the famed weather on the tropical island of Humpa-da-poo-poo during the always anticipated
Humpa-da-poo-poo Tanga-da-manga-da-go-go fertility celebration that pays homage to the
Humpa-------oh wait, let’s not go there -- my editor ( she who must be obeyed ) just looked over
my shoulder and reminded me of my promise to keep this one short, so let’s just leave it at
the weather was spiffy. All the usual suspects were entering the ballroom, but rather than
dragging their sorry butts through the parking lot as is typically the case, they all had a
certain bounce to their steps and were laughing and joking – the wonders of the renewal of
Spring. Don’t worry though, that will all wear off in a few weeks when both the temps
and the humidity get back into the nineties.

Suddenly we heard the screech of tires, Beach Boys music blaring, and peals of gay laughter.
Everyone turned to look as
Rita and Guy roared into the parking lot driving a brand new cherry
red Cadillac convertible with a dozen young, rosy cheeked college students stuffed in the
back. Rita and Guy were having a great time. It seems that they had both experienced their
late life crises at the same time and decided to relive their Spring Break experiences together
while going to college in Canada. The good thing is that there are so many more options
to have Spring break fun on Clearwater Beach rather than in a fishing hut out in the middle
of a frozen lake in Canada. The most you can do in the hut in Canada is try to stay warm and
maybe catch a Muskie or two - woo woo ( of course the way you decide to stay warm can be fun,
but we will not go there either – this is a family column). In a completely successful attempt to
relive their youth, Guy and Rita had a great afternoon at Clearwater Beach with a bunch of
college students from Ames, Iowa. They were doing cannon ball dives off the Clearwater Pier
with a Jell-O Shot in each hand. If you hit the Gulf waters before successfully slurping both
Jell-O Shots along with two oysters tucked into a bib around your neck, then you had to take
two more Jell-O Shots when you got back up on the pier. Guy and Rita were becoming very
fond of Jell-O Shots and were quite happy.

Things were going swimmingly in the ballroom. Besides the fact that everyone was excited
about Spring and equally excited that Guy and Rita brought a cooler of Jell-O Shots in with
them, they were greatly anticipating tonight’s entertainment from one of their own. Even the
little guy sitting by himself in the corner seemed to have a new twinkle in his eye, and looked
just little less like he was going to keel over and die at any second. It seems that Guy and Rita
were not the only ones who were feeling pretty chipper from the spring weather.
Hugo Zacchini
was also feeling quite spry and had decided to bring his Human Cannon Ball act out of retirement
and perform one last time for the benefit of his friends of SouthernStar and the Rhapsody ballroom.
Hugo planned on launching himself from one end of the ballroom with the intention of make a
Cannon Ball landing into an inflatable kiddy pool filled with Jell-O Shots, Tabasco Sauce, and live
Koi. There was one slight problem though. It seems that Hugo had turned his Human Cannon into
a Flower Pot a couple of years back, and he could not see his way to kill his prize Begonias, so he
relied on some of his old connections and managed to borrow a Cannon from the “Bernie and
Belinda Exotic Animal Circus”; they just happened to be performing in Tampa that week. The
big time had arrived – the cannon was loaded and calibrated to launch Hugo from the Western
end of the Ballroom over the audience and dance floor, missing the mirror ball, to land in the
pool sitting clear on the other end of the ballroom. Hugo made his appearance dressed in
dazzling sequins (it looked like it may have been fashioned from one of
Linda Stada’s old dance
gowns – it was exquisite) – the crowd was silent in rapt anticipation, except for a couple of oohs
and aahs in appreciation of Hugo’s costume. The only problem was that the cannon was meant
for a Great Dane – they did borrow the cannon from an animal circus after all (we should just be
glad it was not a flea circus). Hugo was having a difficult time fitting into the cannon, so Hugo’s
son, Tor, helped slather him down with Crisco and then stuffed Hugo into the cannon using the
wet mop from the back room. It was a tight fit, but finally all was prepared, the lights were turned
down, and “The Bohemian Rhapsody” by Queen could be heard blaring over the speakers. With
out further ado, we heard a huge boom and saw a flash of light. We caught a glimpse of Hugo
sailing through the air in a perfect swan dive with his sequins glittering, until the very last minute
when he curled into a tight ball and did a perfect Cannon Ball directly into the center of the Jell-O
Shots. There was a few seconds of anticipation as the crowd sat breathlessly, wondering if Hugo
had survived the death defying flight. They erupted into thunderous applause as Hugo leaped to
his feet with a two foot Koi in his mouth – he shook all over and with a flick of his head tossed the
fish to the Great Dane who was standing close by, glad that for once he did not have to go into the
cannon – what a showman ( I mean Hugo, even though the way the Great Dane caught and
swallowed the Koi in one gulp was pretty impressive too ).The evening was completed by
everyone joining in a line dance Merengue around the pool, dancing wildly, and sharing
Jell-O Shots with Tabasco sauce – even Guy and Rita’s new friends from Ames, Iowa and the
Great Dane joined in. This was going to be an evening to be remembered for many years.

The only one to not take part in the celebration was the little man in the corner. He remained
ever vigilant, but he suspected that he would not see the dastardly Man in Black (TMIB) that
evening. TMIB only likes to show up when he can take top billing, and this performance
would be tough to follow.  The little man in the corner is content that he does not have to
confront TMIB this evening, but he suspects that TMIB will show up again with ever worse
dance crimes on his mind. But never fear - the ever vigilant Tango Man will be ready. Oh
what the heck, maybe for just this once, the little man in the corner can let his guard down
just a little and have a Jell-O Shot – the Tabasco Sauce really makes it an experience to cherish.

Please stay tuned for further adventures of Tango Man (Da Da Da DAAAAA –
He’s everywhere, he’s everywhere)