Installment Three of the Ongoing Adventures of Tango Man
(Da Da Da DAAAAA –
He’s everywhere, he’s everywhere)
by Ace Dance Crime reporter Rudy Dancealot!
It is a hot, dry,
mid-May night outside the forlorn Rhapsody Ballroom.
The heavens have not managed to
squeeze a single
drop of precipitation from its blue vastness since
the last cold front came through in late March.
It is dry, it is really dry.
grass is brown and brittle,
covered with a fine layer of dust.
The trees and bushes are limp and
bedraggled, keeping their heads
down, praying that they can make it
until the summer rains come.
It is indeed very dry.
How dry is it you may ask?
dry that cows are giving
It’s so dry that fire hydrants are
chasing dogs around. Why, it is so dry they are
to pee in the pool. But here is what I don’t get - how can it not rain
for two whole months, and the humidity
is still at 98%.
Florida, you got to love it.
The equally bedraggled
crowd, possessed of fundamentally exhausted eyes was straggling in to
the Monthly SouthernStar dance.
It had been a rough first half of
the week, and everyone knew the second half would be no better, so may
as well try to get some
joy out of the week and go to the dance.
Heck, maybe there was the chance of
discovering some of the answers to life persistent
the medium of a couple of minutes of joy and dance and camaraderie –
ain’t gonna happen. The usual crowd
music was humming.
On the floor were our resident Fred &
Ginger – obviously I am referring to Russ & Irene
As always, they were serenely gliding
across the floor in perfect unison.
Some say that they are able to dance
effortlessly because of the number of years that they
have been a team, but there is also a persistent rumor going around that
have a personal relationship with Mr. Spock who beams in every
Wednesday night to perform a combined Vulcan Mind Meld on
Irene so that they can dance in perfect telepathic synchronization.
Whatever the secret, they are a
pleasure to watch
(I personally vote for the Mind Meld).
There was an extra
gleaning of excitement amongst the crowd on that night.
On the marquee for the night’s
entertainment was a
new group to these environs.
Barney Berbenivich and his Bulbatious
Dancing Baboons were traveling all the way from Eustus,
perform for the anticipating crowd.
They are quite well known for their
interpretive Paso Doble that is danced to Led
Stairway to Heaven.
Peggy was especially excited.
She had a stack of USA Dance
applications waiting at the ready.
years, Peggy has been
hankering to win the coveted ‘Inter-species Out-Reach’ award from USA
Dance Nationals. Peggy figures
that if she bribes the Baboons with
enough marshmallows and punch, she can get them to put their ‘X’ on the
are great dancers, but how
smart can they be?
Plus, it is a well known fact that
Baboons cannot resist marshmallows.
pure giddy with
That plaque is going to look soooo
fine hanging on her living room wall.
As usual back in the far
corner of the food area, a lone, little man was watching the proceedings
with a certain, unusual intensity.
He never talks to anyone, and no
one knows much about him except that they think they should know
something about him that
All they do know for sure is that the
little man started showing up a few months ago, that he has developed a
bit of a tick since the last dance, and that they hope he manages to
survive the next two hours without getting even smaller and
evaporating away into a speck of dust.
The floor is packed, and
at a minimum, the crowd has answered the persistent question of why it
isn’t easy being green.
on dancing, hoping to
achieve more – maybe to answer why the person looking at you in the
mirror is opposite to you from right to
left, but not up and down
(that is one of life’s most persistent and puzzling questions for me).
Suddenly there is a deafening crack,
and all the lights go black.
We hear the creak of the door opening
and closing, and then the single light above the door miraculously
begins to glow, shedding its illumination on – don da – the infamous Man
We already know all about the gold
man of power and mystery, so we will not go into more
Beth, who is setting at the
admissions table vaguely remembers
that this gorgeous hunk of man is
not too fastidious about paying the eight dollar entrance fee, and she
is determined to get him to
pay regardless of how great he looks
(this is commendable of Beth, considering that she spends most of her
day looking at grouchy
expectant mothers at the hospital – The Man
in Black must be a refreshing bit of eye candy for her).
that tricky Man in Black,
just as Beth is about to ask for the eight
dollars, The Man in Black mentions that he has a special occasion coming
up and is in
desperate need of a uniquely talented individual who
could design a brilliant cake to feed two hundred – no restrictions on
design – cost not a consideration.
Beth looks stunned for a couple of
seconds and then manages to utter, “Well, as luck would have
make brilliant cakes (to that fact I can attest, check out her online
photo album at flars.smugmug.com/cakes). No joke, this is
site and her cakes are brilliant)!”
As Beth turns around to get her new
IPhone to show The Man in Black some pictures
of her cakes, The Man
in Black turns and nonchalantly enters the ball room.
He is indeed a cruel man.
The coffers of SouthernStar
lost another eight dollars.
The Man in Black
immediately walks straight to Olivia (one of Rhapsody’s most gorgeous
dancers, always has perfect posture and
poise) and asks her to dance
the intoxicating Slow Foxtrot that Mike is playing.
Olivia immediately accepts – after
all, a chance to
dance is a chance to dance.
The Man in Black offers his arm to
Olivia and escorts her to the floor.
He stops, pauses a second,
back, smiles at Olivia, and finally invites her to join him in perfect
They are poised as one – straight,
But wait, what dastardly, craven, evil
The Man in Black HAS ABANDONED HIS
Right before taking the first
step, he slumps over with a hunched back and practically puts his full
weight on tiny, little Olivia.
they begin to move about the
room, Olivia is obviously struggling to support the weight of The Man in
concerned that Olivia
is going to go down under the strain.
As I have already mentioned, The Man
in Black is a cruel, cruel man.
Chris Skates stands up and yells
“Just stand up straight and dance” ( I can’t tell you how many times
Chris has told me that in
lessons, but I never have bad posture on
purpose – that is just unfathomable).
Everyone is stunned
except for the little guy sitting in the corner.
He jumps up and runs to the back and
dashes into the bathroom
and makes it back out of the bathroom in
record time. He obviously did not take time to wash his hands since we
know how long
that can take after the recent additions to the
restrooms – this is a questionable sanitary decision, but may be
warranted since Tango
Man has to take
a side trip to the kitchenette to get
a secret weapon.
Tango Man is once again wearing a red
cape, red mask, and
red patent leather Latin shoes. He flies into
the ballroom and shouts, “Never fear – Tango Man is here.
It is my goal to right all
In the blink of an eye,
Tango Man appears at the side of the exhausted Olivia and The Man in
Tango Man turns and points
sky and says, “Look, it’s Halley’s Comet.”
Even the most sophisticated evil doer
will fall for this gambit every time.
Man in Black looks to the
heavens, Tango Man, faster than a speeding bumblebee, circles The Man in
Black three times, and we
see that his work is done.
Miraculously Tango Man has managed to
straighten The Man in Black and use Duck Tape (this is not a
Tango Man has a special tape made for him that is much like duct tape,
but has pictures of rubber duckies on it) to attach a
to the back of The Man in Black.
Olivia is rescued, and The Man in
Black who is now standing ramrod straight realizes
dastardly plans have been foiled again by that very annoying Tango Man.
With a cry of frustration, The Man in
again mysteriously disappears into a flicker of mist.
Tango Man feels
satisfied that the immediate crises has been resolved, but he suspects
that The Man in Black will show up again
with even worse dance
crimes on his mind.
But never fear - the ever vigilant
Tango Man will be ready.
Please stay tuned for further adventures of
Tango Man (Da Da Da DAAAAA – He’s everywhere, he’s everywhere).