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The Ongoing Adventures of Tango Man

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Installment Three of the Ongoing Adventures of Tango Man
(Da Da Da DAAAAA – He’s everywhere, he’s everywhere)
by Ace Dance Crime reporter Rudy Dancealot!

It is a hot, dry, mid-May night outside the forlorn Rhapsody Ballroom.  The heavens have not managed to squeeze a single
drop of precipitation from its blue vastness since the last cold front came through in late March.
  It is dry, it is really dry.  The
grass is brown and brittle, covered with a fine layer of dust.
  The trees and bushes are limp and bedraggled, keeping their heads
down, praying that they can make it until the summer rains come.
  It is indeed very dry.  How dry is it you may ask?  It’s so
dry that cows are giving evaporated milk.
  It’s so dry that fire hydrants are chasing dogs around. Why, it is so dry they are
encouraging people to pee in the pool. But here is what I don’t get - how can it not rain for two whole months, and the humidity
is still at 98%.
  Florida, you got to love it.

The equally bedraggled crowd, possessed of fundamentally exhausted eyes was straggling in to the Monthly SouthernStar dance. 
It had been a rough first half of the week, and everyone knew the second half would be no better, so may as well try to get some
joy out of the week and go to the dance.
  Heck, maybe there was the chance of discovering some of the answers to life persistent
questions through the medium of a couple of minutes of joy and dance and camaraderie – ain’t gonna happen. The usual crowd
was there.
 The music was humming.  On the floor were our resident Fred & Ginger – obviously I am referring to Russ & Irene
Davis.
  As always, they were serenely gliding across the floor in perfect unison.  Some say that they are able to dance together so
effortlessly because of the number of years that they have been a team, but there is also a persistent rumor going around that they
have a personal relationship with Mr. Spock who beams in every Wednesday night to perform a combined Vulcan Mind Meld on
Russ & Irene so that they can dance in perfect telepathic synchronization.
  Whatever the secret, they are a pleasure to watch
(I personally vote for the Mind Meld).
 

There was an extra gleaning of excitement amongst the crowd on that night.  On the marquee for the night’s entertainment was a
new group to these environs.
  Barney Berbenivich and his Bulbatious Dancing Baboons were traveling all the way from Eustus,
Florida to perform for the anticipating crowd.
  They are quite well known for their interpretive Paso Doble that is danced to Led
Zeplen’s
Stairway to Heaven.  Peggy was especially excited.  She had a stack of USA Dance applications waiting at the ready.  For
years, Peggy has been hankering to win the coveted ‘Inter-species Out-Reach’ award from USA Dance Nationals. Peggy figures
that if she bribes the Baboons with enough marshmallows and punch, she can get them to put their ‘X’ on the applications.
  They
are great dancers, but how smart can they be?
  Plus, it is a well known fact that Baboons cannot resist marshmallows.  Peggy is
pure giddy with anticipation.
  That plaque is going to look soooo fine hanging on her living room wall.

As usual back in the far corner of the food area, a lone, little man was watching the proceedings with a certain, unusual intensity. 
He never talks to anyone, and no one knows much about him except that they think they should know something about him that
they’ve forgotten.
  All they do know for sure is that the little man started showing up a few months ago, that he has developed a
bit of a tick since the last dance, and that they hope he manages to survive the next two hours without getting even smaller and
evaporating away into a speck of dust.

The floor is packed, and at a minimum, the crowd has answered the persistent question of why it isn’t easy being green.  They keep
on dancing, hoping to achieve more – maybe to answer why the person looking at you in the mirror is opposite to you from right to
left, but not up and down (that is one of life’s most persistent and puzzling questions for me).
  Suddenly there is a deafening crack,
and all the lights go black.
  We hear the creak of the door opening and closing, and then the single light above the door miraculously
begins to glow, shedding its illumination on – don da – the infamous Man in Black.
  We already know all about the gold cuff linked
man of power and mystery, so we will not go into more detail here.
 Beth, who is setting at the admissions table vaguely remembers
that this gorgeous hunk of man is not too fastidious about paying the eight dollar entrance fee, and she is determined to get him to
pay regardless of how great he looks (this is commendable of Beth, considering that she spends most of her day looking at grouchy
expectant mothers at the hospital – The Man in Black must be a refreshing bit of eye candy for her).
 Oh that tricky Man in Black,
just as Beth is about to ask for the eight dollars, The Man in Black mentions that he has a special occasion coming up and is in
desperate need of a uniquely talented individual who could design a brilliant cake to feed two hundred – no restrictions on artistic
design – cost not a consideration.
  Beth looks stunned for a couple of seconds and then manages to utter, “Well, as luck would have
it, I make brilliant cakes (to that fact I can attest, check out her online photo album at flars.smugmug.com/cakes). No joke, this is
her actual site and her cakes are brilliant)!”
  As Beth turns around to get her new IPhone to show The Man in Black some pictures
of her cakes, The Man in Black turns and nonchalantly enters the ball room.
  He is indeed a cruel man.  The coffers of SouthernStar
have lost another eight dollars.

The Man in Black immediately walks straight to Olivia (one of Rhapsody’s most gorgeous dancers, always has perfect posture and
poise) and asks her to dance the intoxicating Slow Foxtrot that Mike is playing.
  Olivia immediately accepts – after all, a chance to
dance is a chance to dance.
  The Man in Black offers his arm to Olivia and escorts her to the floor.  He stops, pauses a second,
steps back, smiles at Olivia, and finally invites her to join him in perfect dance position.
  They are poised as one – straight, proud,
and elegant.
  But wait, what dastardly, craven, evil is this?  The Man in Black HAS ABANDONED HIS PERFECT POSTURE. 
Right before taking the first step, he slumps over with a hunched back and practically puts his full weight on tiny, little Olivia.
  As
they begin to move about the room, Olivia is obviously struggling to support the weight of The Man in Black.
  Everyone is
concerned that Olivia is going to go down under the strain.
  As I have already mentioned, The Man in Black is a cruel, cruel man. 
Chris Skates stands up and yells “Just stand up straight and dance” ( I can’t tell you how many times Chris has told me that in
lessons, but I never have bad posture on purpose – that is just unfathomable).

Everyone is stunned except for the little guy sitting in the corner.  He jumps up and runs to the back and dashes into the bathroom
and makes it back out of the bathroom in record time. He obviously did not take time to wash his hands since we know how long
that can take after the recent additions to the restrooms – this is a questionable sanitary decision, but may be warranted since Tango
Man has to take
  a side trip to the kitchenette to get a secret weapon.  Tango Man is once again wearing a red cape, red mask, and
red patent leather Latin shoes. He flies into the ballroom and shouts, “Never fear – Tango Man is here.
  It is my goal to right all
dance wrongs.”

In the blink of an eye, Tango Man appears at the side of the exhausted Olivia and The Man in Black.  Tango Man turns and points
to the sky and says, “Look, it’s Halley’s Comet.”
  Even the most sophisticated evil doer will fall for this gambit every time.  As The
Man in Black looks to the heavens, Tango Man, faster than a speeding bumblebee, circles The Man in Black three times, and we
see that his work is done.
  Miraculously Tango Man has managed to straighten The Man in Black and use Duck Tape (this is not a
typo, Tango Man has a special tape made for him that is much like duct tape, but has pictures of rubber duckies on it) to attach a
broom handle to the back of The Man in Black.
  Olivia is rescued, and The Man in Black who is now standing ramrod straight realizes
that his dastardly plans have been foiled again by that very annoying Tango Man.
  With a cry of frustration, The Man in Black once
again mysteriously disappears into a flicker of mist.

Tango Man feels satisfied that the immediate crises has been resolved, but he suspects that The Man in Black will show up again
with even worse dance crimes on his mind.
  But never fear - the ever vigilant Tango Man will be ready.

Please stay tuned for further adventures of Tango Man (Da Da Da DAAAAA – He’s everywhere, he’s everywhere).