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The Ongoing Adventures of Tango Man

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Installment Ten of the Ongoing Adventures of Tango Man
(Da Da Da DAAAAA – He’s everywhere, he’s everywhere)
by Ace Dance Crime reporter Rudy Dancealot!

It is another typical Second Wednesday of the Month at the Rhapsody Ballroom, and I know
that you are expecting another hair-raising account of the confrontations between Tango Man
and the infamous Man In Black.  Truth be told, it has been a quiet couple of months – I’ve
heard rumors that TMIB is taking a well deserved rest from his dastardliness while
visiting his aunt Bethany Monbocker down in Myrtle Beach, SC for a little R & R.

Let’s take advantage of this momentary lull in the action and take a look at the history of these
two protagonists with the goal of attempting to decipher what formative aspects of their young,
sensitive years made them the opposite characters they are today.

Tango Man (a.k.a. Little Man in the Corner) was born Lester McMurphyMacMasters on
April 17, 1962.  His famous anthropologist parents, Gillian and Ford McMurphyMacMasters
died mysteriously in a dirigible disaster while studying the native ceremonies involving
the Humpa-da-poopoo-deedee-ta-taataas cactus juice on the South Sea Island of Humpa-da-poopoo. 
Some suspect foul play – Gillian and Ford were getting dangerously close to solving the mystery
of Humpa-da-poopoo-deedee-ta-taataas cactus juice, and Tropicana wanted to market the new
juice without any pesky scientists with their pesky facts getting in the way.

After his parents’ death, Lester was dropped on the door step of his closest living relative
Great Aunt Marthama McMurphyMacMasters. Well over sixty years old and never having any kids
of her own and not really wanting to be a new parent at the time, Aunt Marthama was not the
ideal guardian. The problem was exacerbated by the fact that Great Aunt Marthama had fallen
under the influence of the less than scrupulous ballroom dance instructor Sidney Sleezzelmeyer
down at the local Rumbas-R-Us Ballroom franchise. Great Aunt Marthama spent every available
minute and dollar schmoozing with Sidney and occasionally actually learned and danced a few
new steps that Sidney had learned from a video that morning so they could use it in the next

Pro-Am competition at $320 a dance. Unfortunately Lester (young Tango Man) was always prone
to catching colds and the flu, and Great Aunt Marthama had no patience for any thing that kept
her away from Mr. Sleezzelmeyer and Rumbas-R-Us.  As a result, Lester spent a majority of his
childhood closed up inside a big plastic bag that Great Aunt Marthama’s new couch had
arrived in.  Great Aunt Marthama would twist tie the top of the bag closed, inserting an
aquarium tube through the opening with a pair of used panty hose attached to the end as a filter
so that Lester could theoretically breathe pure air and not get sick. Lester would spend hours each
day wrapped up in his sofa bag at Rumbas-R-Us while Great Aunt Marthama spent her meager
savings being flattered by a sleaze. The only entertainment Lester had in the bag was listening to
the music, watching the dancing through the plastic bag, and a new super hero comic that
Great Aunt Marthama would put in the bag with Lester each day (this was not as generous of
Great Aunt Marthama as you would think – it seems that the last resident of her apartment
left a huge comic book collection in the attic – I suspect that if Great Aunt Marthama had known
that the collection was worth a fortune, she would not have wasted them on the kid). So I think
we can see why the Little Man in the Corner feels at home coming to the Rhapsody, and why
he is so quiet and reclusive even when surrounded by dancers; the super hero comics also
explain his Tango Man alter-ego. There is one more missing piece to the puzzle – What gives
the Little Man in the Corner his Tango Man powers? What happened is that one weekend Great
Aunt Marthama was scheduled to blow about $20,000 at a huge Pro-Am competition in North
Carolina. Great Aunt Marthama did not want her dear great nephew hanging around for the
entire week-end when she was paying for some major schmoozing, so she dropped Lester
off at a new startup company, Interdigital Maximal Radiation Byfractation Inc. They were
carrying on top secret research in the area of radiation therapy to improve the immune
system (seems a bit counter-intuitive doesn’t it), and Great Aunt Marthama thought that Lester
would be the perfect candidate with his colds and all, plus it would get him out of her hair for
the weekend; that is how Lester got tiny little interdigital byfracted radiation pellet injected
into his phymagmus gland. The radiation pellets did not make Lester less prone to getting sick,
but the unexpected consequence of the pellets is that when Lester sees a dance injustice, the
phymagmus gland secrets the phymagmusminimus hormone that is now slightly radio active, and
this hot hormone is what gives Tango Man his unusual powers.

TMIB’s dastardliness is easier to explain. TMIB’s given name was Steven Deseraie. Even in high
school Steven was a real lady killer. He was suave and debonair and could have his choice of
companions at any time, except for one girl, Ruby Langorlucious. She would have nothing to
do with Steven, so of course she became Steven’s obsession. He tried everything he could think
of to get Ruby to go on a date with him, but Ruby was a very talented Ballroom dancer competing
around the country, and she devoted all of her time to her partner Igor Ichamanstravinskimiamia.
Steven was getting quite depressed about this and started taking Ballroom Dance classes, hoping
to impress Ruby. As we could suspect from his current expertise as a Ballroom Dancer, Steven
was actually quite good and learned very fast; he hoped that this would make Ruby more
susceptible to his advances. As a result Steven was not totally surprised and was quite ecstatic
to receive an invitation from Ruby to dance with her at the Seven Pretty Pirate’s Charity
Costume Swing Dance Marathon and Bake Sale held at the VFMPW club down in Ybor City.
Imagine Steven’s chagrin to discover when he got to the dance that Ruby’s costume, with the
aid of strategically placed hair and riding crop, was Lady Godiva, and she wanted Steven to be
the back end of a horse costume while Igor was her costumed swing partner and front end of
the horse. They won the marathon, but the 47 hours, 23 minutes, and 17 seconds that Steven
spent dancing the swing as the ass end of a horse changed him. His heart shrunk three
sizes, and due to lack of oxygen in the back end of that costume, I think he lost a few synapses
in his brain. All I know is that Steven Deseraie entered the back end of that horse costume,
and The Man In Black emerged from that same back end approximately two days later, vowing
to get his revenge on all female ballroom dancers, and that is what he has been doing ever
since. Thank goodness Tango Man is there on most occasions to thwart his evil plans.

So there you have it. How fragile and delicate our psyches are – it takes so little in our youth
to form heroes and villains in our future, and that is all I have to say about that.

Please stay tuned for further adventures of Tango Man (Da Da Da DAAAAA – He’s everywhere,
he’s everywhere)